I’ve mentioned before that our family enjoys superhero movies. My husband was quite the comic book fan in his youth and until I married him the extent of my comic book knowledge was Superman, Batman, and Spiderman. I’m versed in the more obscure heroes now, but I was still clueless when the film Guardians of the Galaxy was released. SAM and I went to see it and it was entertaining enough. My favorite part of the movie was the soundtrack, which was stacked full of old songs from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.
One of my girls bought the CD and loaded it onto my phone so that I could listen to it when I am out for my morning run. When I’m out running I listen to old music- R&B, rock, etc. Recently, Escape (The Pina Colada Song) which is on the soundtrack, started playing. The song was released in 1979 and I’ve heard it played in various places countless times before, but one particular morning it was like I was hearing it for the very first time. For those who are (like I was) unfamiliar with the details of the song, I’m going to spell it out before I get to the point I want to make:
The premise of the song is of a husband who is tired of the same old rut and routine he and his wife have settled into. One night he opens the paper to the personal ads and finds an ad posted by a female seeking love. Her ad reads:
“If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me, and escape”
The man’s interest is immediately piqued, and he wastes no time responding to her in kind, giving absolutely no thought to his wife sleeping there next to him. He offers his own half-baked rhyme of a reply:
“Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food, I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape At a bar called O’Malley’s, where we’ll plan our escape”
The next day he’s sitting in the bar waiting for his mystery woman to appear and when she shows up, it’s his wife! They laugh, and then he says to her:
“I never knew that you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
You’re the lady that I’ve looked for, come with me, and escape”
All’s well that ends well is the idea, I suppose. At least that’s how Wikipedia spins it.
After hearing the song that I thought I was familiar with in its entirety, I told my daughter as we approached the house, “That Pina Colada song is about a couple who placed personal ads because they were tired of each other and answered one another’s ad. It’s supposed to be funny, but how do you go on after that? The feeling of betrayal would seem overwhelming.”
Bright Eyes looked at me as if I was crazy because she apparently already knew what the song was about, and never liked it. For the same reasons. Apparently Jack Johnson, of Curious George fame in our house, re-recorded the song in recent years and she’d heard it.
Later I asked my husband if he knew what the song was about and got the same incredulity in response to my cluelessness. Of course he knew what the song was about. How did I not? Well frankly, all I knew about the song was its chorus and the killer guitar solo that bridged it in the middle. You’d be surprised at the number of times I’ve been shocked to learn the nature of songs I’d heard 1000 times before. But I digress…
The notion that a couple who has “been together too long” don’t know seemingly minor things about each others’ likes and dislikes set my wheels to turning. What else do couples, long married, not know about each other? And what are they missing out on because of that?
The subject intrigues me because I believe the thing that keeps us walled off, even from our own husbands, is fear. Fear of what, I’m not sure. I only know what I know about my own marriage and the times in the early stages of the relationship when I wanted to hide parts of me, it was a projection of my personal feelings of inadequacy onto him.
Years ago when he decided he was going to keep me, I felt compelled to share my deepest hurt. I was carrying a lot unhealed scars that he would no doubt have to deal with. So I swallowed my fear and laid the cards on the table, with much fear and trembling. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t run screaming in the other direction! As hard as that was, it made it infinitely easier to open up about other hurts, fears, dreams and desires I’d kept hidden away my whole life.
Some women don’t talk to their husbands about things because they just don’t think he’ll be bothered to listen or even care. That he might her find it a nuisance or treat her feelings as insignificant. I battled that one too, but when I stopped navel gazing and paid attention to my husband, his needs and how hard he works, it became crystal clear to me when the climate was right for heart to hearts. The point is to pay attention and figure it out in your own marriage. Yeah, you have to do something, and be vulnerable. And yes, I know how difficult that can feel.
Do you find yourself lamenting that you don’t “really” know him? Be willing to and care enough to listen. Really listen and pay attention to what matters to him. Some men use words sparingly but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t sharing simply because they don’t communicate the way we do.
Oh, and be a safe place for him to open up without having to deal with veiled disapproval, disappointment and contempt . That’s a surefire way to find even the smallest crack of vulnerability quickly plastered over never to be seen nor heard from again. Don’t be that wife. It’s not our job to judge and shape our husbands into our vision of what they are to be. They are not our workmanship or special projects. They are God’s.
I’ll wrap this by imploring you to believe that your husband is strong enough to love, lead, and embrace ALL of who you are. He wouldn’t have married you otherwise. We truly don’t give our men enough credit.
@ Stingray:
I didn’t make the connection that this was the same Anon that you and Hearth were encouraging on your Decide to be Happy post. Y’all did such a good job I felt no need to weigh in.
There was a guy at your place (Yohami I think it was) who noted that it could be that a woman’s husband is just an…well, not nice. And that might just make it harder for her than any of us could understand. And he’s right. Like Hearthie said, “humans gonna human” and people are what they are. It’s not something I like to entertain here for various reasons but it is a possibility.
Which is why Alte’s advice is so important. I’m going to re-post it again for effect:
Get over yourself and pray. You’re not going to change anyone but yourself and that’s hard enough to do as it is.
As to differing points of view and fear of expressing disagreement: When you have a guy who
is stubbornknows his own mind LOL, it can make for difficult discussions on some issues. And I can relate to the inclination to feign agreement for the sake of peace except it didn’t work. At least not for me. He could see through it. And secondly, a disagreement doesn’t mean the marriage is on the rocks. Even if there is a moment of discomfort, it’s worth it to just be honest.Lastly, if there is something clinical going on here, I have no advice but to get help. Sooner rather than later. And If there isn’t anything clinical going on here, get help. A friend, even if it’s a not so deep friendship with someone who likes the music you like or shares some other interest, can do a lot to lift your mood.
And that might just make it harder for her than any of us could understand.
It does and this is difficult to recognize, but it doesn’t really change what she has to do. It makes it far harder than we can understand, but it still must be done.
but it is a possibility.
It is, but I have wondered about this. It is also a possibility that A’s husband is reacting to her and shutting down in the same way she is. She mentioned at my place that she came from a a family where most any wiley behavior from a woman was seen as manipulation. I took this to mean even playful and obvious behavior was seen as manipulation so she learned not to ever do that. Could it be that since she is so frightened of any of this that her husband is reacting to that and has pulled away? I think yes, but the reality is likely between these two extremes.
And A, I hate making comments where it seems like I am talking past another commenter so take this as I am speaking to you, as well. This doesn’t change much of what you should do to change your heart and to change your actions. You need to pray and you need to love. You might not feel the romantic love towards your husband, but that’d not what we are talking about. Read Alte’s comment again. Read it as many times as you need to and do it. As many of us have said, all you can do it change you. Your husband may or may not come around but you can. Not only will it improve your life, but that of your girls and your husband. This is what you must do.
Chris said:
Alte and Elspeth are correct except for one bit: treating your husband as your BFF will kill the romance because it is putting him into the “chumpdom” or “Friendzone”. Most of you don’t want to sleep with your BFF.
I beg to differ on this one. Probably because I don’t really do “BFF” in the sense it’s meant here, which I gather is the female buddy like you had in elementary school or whatever. I don’t call any woman my “best friend” but perhaps a “good friend” or even a “dear friend” (note “a”).
My best friend is the person I share my life with, and that is my husband. Thus I don’t have an aversion to “sleeping with” my best friend, nor does it make him a chump in my eyes. Quite the contrary as I feel most relaxed and understood with him. I also don’t believe in “maintaining the mystery”, as I have written about in the past, to avoid “killing the romance”, whatever that means. That seems like something that exists on a shallow level, like infatuation, which inevitably dies down and gives way either to disillusionment or something deeper.
So stop treating him like he has estrogen, and allow him to be a bloke.
But he does have estrogen! Just not as much as women. And watch out here: “allow”? As Hearthie hints at, he either is a bloke or he’s not. A woman doesn’t “allow” him to be or prevent him from being a man. If he feels he’s being treated like he’s got more than his share of estrogen, he is allowing that and it’s probably time for a ball check, as my best friend would say. ;)
As a general comment: One flesh and all that implies would seem to include the “little things”. Maybe I am missing something here and the little things you ladies are talking about are things like the intricacies of cross stitch, in which case, I wouldn’t feel much of a need to talk about that to anyone any more than I’d want to talk about my method for washing dishes. Some things are just too dull for any conversation.
But if anyone is interested, I have written about these general thoughts here: https://notequalbutdifferent.wordpress.com/2014/10/30/why-do-couples-fight/
Anon, listen to pukeko. He IS a psychiatrist if I remember correctly. Not just some yahoo engineer like me.
Thing is Lena (and I wonder if you agree) most women are fairly stuck in the middle school paradigm of what friend is. There are certainly exceptions but as a rule,..
I don’t use the words ‘best friend” simply because a friend in the truest sense needs no such qualifier. Either you can trust them and rely on them (friend) or you can’t which means they are something less than a friend, acquaintance perhaps.
It may seem like I am splitting hairs but words have meanings.
One flesh and all that implies would seem to include the “little things”.
It does.
Maybe I am missing something here and the little things you ladies are talking about are things like the intricacies of cross stitch,
And yes, that is a part of it. I’m not much of a seamstress (working on that), but I can certainly get caught up in a conversation on the intricacies of baking as my husband can when discussing car engines or wireless networking.
We just don’t bore one another with those things choosing to share those interests with people who are as interested in them as we are.
I’m loathe to use the word “friend” in reference to my husband. I don’t want to demote him. I have multiple dear friends, but only one husband. It seems like an honorable enough title, seeing as how it makes him simultaneously the head of our house, my only lover, the father of my children, and flesh of my flesh. We’re connected by an unbreakable oath until death and our minds and bodies are slowly melting into a borg.
I’m not going to go around friending my husband, my mother, my kids, etc. These people are my family, not my friends. I don’t mind if other people use it because they think it connotates some intimacy they think isn’t represented by the word “husband” (although I can’t imagine what that would be), but the ones who virulently insist upon its use are trying to push their political agenda on me, and I ain’t buying.
I only have one husband, after all. It’s not like I have to differentiate between this husband who is my friend, this old husband that I’ve unfriended, and this bestest friend husband that I’ll acquire at some point in the future because then I’ll finally have a husband who enjoys crochet. LOL
I am well aware of how counter-cultural it is to say that my husband is not my friend. Or my partner, another unword for a spouse. Or my life-section soulmate. Or whatever.
Alte my friend ;):
I have come ’round to fully appreciating your perspective on there being no need for addendums to the words “husband”, “wife”, or “spouse”. That those words should convey such depth of meaning that no other words are required.
As marriage has been watered down and redefined I suppose with that has come a need for some measure of how truly serious one’s particular marital commitment is or something. Not sure.
But I get where you’re coming from.
It’s been a decay. Seventy years ago or so, they started using the word “boyfriend”, to denote someone who wasn’t “just a friend”, but rather someone special and unique. But everyone knew that a boyfriend ranked lower than a fiance, and that a fiance ranked lower than a husband. Now we’ve gone all the way backward, with people clinging to “friend” in an attempt to denote someone who isn’t “just a husband”.
Well, I’m not buying what they’re selling.
Oh some marriages have more friend stuff and some have less. I adore my hubs. We don’t share hobbies. Soul-baring, yes. But the “look what I made!” stage is … ahem… a little less detailed. (Not to say that we are not mutually expected to take an interest in one another’s hobbies, which IMO is nice because then you learn a bit more than you would otherwise).
I suppose I have pity for Anon because I was there. I’m not there any longer, by the grace of God, instead I have this awesome marriage. Same guy, same me. Had to re-pour the foundation, which of course means you have to knock down much of what you built. Not nice, not pleasant, totally worth it.
But if you do what Alte said, and start praying for him… you’ll start to see him as a person. So hard to see him as a human, with his own struggles and pain. And when you get that switch flipped in your head, you can start to not take things as personally. I’ll be honest and say, “not as personally” because I still take it personally when anyone around me is unhappy. But then… that’s my flaw, isn’t it?
Although I understand what is being said here, it does seem like everyone is doing backflips over an insignificant thing. I’m not sure why my husband cannot also be my “best friend”. This seems a fairly common thing to say among those who have good marriages. But to each their own I suppose.
I like the friendliness aspect to go along with the all the other things Alte said in that “it makes him simultaneously the head of our house, my only lover, the father of my children, and flesh of my flesh. We’re connected by an unbreakable oath until death and our minds and bodies are slowly melting into a borg.” All the serious stuff as well as the lighter stuff.
I see both sides, and like I said before, it can be splitting hairs. But it can also be problematic if we start instilliing the notion into couples who don’t mind meld on every little thing that they don’t have a good marriage. That is my concern.
I know it isn’t so because I’ve lived, laughed loved and generally had a really good time for over two decades with this amazing guy even though we’re so very different in so many ways. It’s kept things interesting to be honest.
Sharing the little things is great, and we share some of those things. Some more than others, and other little things we share the highlights and save the conversations on the details with acquaintances or friends who won’t be bored to tears by it.
And then wrap ourselves contentedly around each other at the end of the day instead of feeling frustrated or as if we’re lacking something in our relationship. We know we aren’t.
Aw shucks, LOL. I could have just dittoed this and spent far less energy typing:
Elspeth, I don’t mean to imply that so, no worries. I’m not going to argue with your experience and I do not want to play the game of my marriage is better than yours. Some people may prefer not to be too similar since that has its own challenges (such as getting stuck in ruts, not making an effort to go and be around other people). I’m just recounting my experience and saying there is nothing wrong with being “best friends” as well as everything else if that suits you as a couple.
It was more a matter of not having to hold things back than necessarily melding on every little thing that I was getting at anyway. It would be pretty boring just to be clones of each other. That said, I find that the closer you get, the closer you get, as it were. Not liking the same music is one thing, but fundamental disagreement isn’t something I can live with very well. That feels like a major disconnect to me.
This wasn’t about playing “my marriage is better than yours” nor was it about fundamental disagreement. At least I didn’t think it was. Without agreement on the fundamental issues of life, marriage would be very difficult indeed. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, really. Having lived through some of that being “unequally yoked” the first few years of my marriage, I know what that looks like. But even then there were shared values regarding family and marriage at least.
I thought we were talking about something else. The fact that you can have a good marriage without many of the things people insist you need (shared hobbies, etc). And that having other outlets and relationships in your life can be a good thing that doesn’t have to undermine your marriage. I suspect we’re talking past each other.
But I appreciate the dialogue.
Hi Bike. This psychiatrist is going to work on Monday. Summer holidays are over, as of Monday. I would suggest that our Anonymous friend talk to her doctor, or use one of the internet based therapies, which are now free (courtesy of the Australian Taxpayer).
I should add that I am a research collaboration with the people who run this site: https://thiswayup.org.au/
Lena: you and 7man give me hope for me and the Photographer. I have can imagine Alte talking with her Wulf, and Elspeth with SAM for ages: Hearthie even more so. But y’all have but one husband, and the idea out there that he will in some magical way solve your life — remains in the fairy tale, as bowlderized by Disney (the original fairy tales were much more bloody and interesting).
I am not a girl: boys do not do BFF. I can understand where Elspeth and Alte are coming from.
Finally, Alte, glad you have friends in the Vaterland. Your writing is tartly happy, which is a good thing.
Elspeth, I never said outside interests undermine a marriage and wouldn’t have even thought to suggest such. Not sure where you got that from what I said. The only people who think you need shared hobbies are people with no imagination. Shared hobbies are fine, but that doesn’t make a marriage.
If you’re a girl, and have grown up fatherless (brotherless can also be a problem, but family composition is up to God), you will have a lot of strikes against you. If you have also grown up with a mother who absolutely detests your father and keeps you from seeing him, plus has misguided loyalties and a paranoid personality, then double the strikes. And it gets even worse if Mom’s misguided loyalties harmed the girl.
I will make no bones that the path to a healthy relationship in ANY capacity is EXCRUCIATING. I will not attribute anything to anybody that belongs only to the Lord, but it takes an extraordinary man (ah…as in Dad in the Shoe :-) to help his wife get out of that agony. The wife will send mixed signals constantly, because she so longs for the closeness, but her experience has taught her that it is too dangerous to risk. It’s agonizing for both. Never doubt for an instant how terrible divorce is for your children.
I am positive A. grew up fatherless and was severely abused — every post screams it. And it is killing me to read it, because it has happened to me. And A., I am so, so sorry. You CAN get out of it. You CAN get over it. Anything is possible. Forget how much it costs, GET HELP AND GET IT NOW.
Ya know, it’s good that we all find one another’s blogs; we all get so much material. Anybody ever given thought to writing a book?
I know that you never said that Lena. I never meant to imply otherwise. This line of conversation started with Anonymous lamenting that liking different types of music and having different hobbies than her husband is a source of tension.
That was what started me down the path of cautioning against making the mistake of treating one’s husband like a BFF type girlfriend and getting miffed when he doesn’t like what you like or vice versa.
If I had the time I could link to no fewer than 10 “expert” articles about the importance of shared interests/hobbbies as a part of fostering camaraderie in marriage. It wouldn’t shock me if many people found that some sort of necessity to a happy union. So I was setting that record straight.
Actually Mom in a Shoe, at TC we (Hearth, Alte, Joanna, The Practical Conservative, and I were all among the contributors there) toyed with the idea of a book but never followed up.
We were going at it wrong – trying to answer questions instead of just getting articles together. We might have another go, that would be fun. :)
I looked at Stingray’s “M”. Doesn’t seem like the same kind of problems in that marriage vs. the Anon posting here. Don’t think there is any trolling, just two different women with two different marriage problems. If it is the same woman, something has definitely changed in her.
The Pratical Conservatice,
M is someone different. Take a look at Anonymous who posted here and and here. I call her A because I don’t like anonymous comments as, even when there is only one, my brain takes longer to process them.
I had some time this morning so I went back and re-read the happy thread at Stingray’s blog. I can see now that it’s the same woman and my heart broke just a little.
Couple of thoughts sprang to mind regarding dealing with getting things *right* and the stress it generates. Having been raised by a man like that and then married to a man like that, I had a lot of practice getting used to the idea that shortcuts and leaving a job unfinished till later without a good reason for it is a no-no. And when you’re dealing with kids in addition to the stuff of homekeeping it can be stressful.
Thankfully I have a husband with whom I can share the stressors that kind of demand creates and he is willing to show more lenience and even help out when he isn’t too busy with his responsibilities.
The other thing I hope to touch on later this week is this subject of wiles, what they are, and what they are not. The notion that buttering up your husband a bit before making a request is some kind of sin or deception is patently untrue and I feel compelled to address that. Any man with even a hint of social skills and average intelligence can tell the difference. Every time I read a comparison of feminine charms to deceitfulness I am reminded of the story of Esther in Scripture. The king knew full well she was angling to ask for something. He wasn’t being suckered. But he went along for the ride and enjoyed the show. My husband is the same. I can not pull one over on him using sex, charm, or anything else. I can set a mood, and soften him up, but if it’s a request he’s inclined to deny he’s going to say no even if do back flips from the chandelier in a negligee.
All that to say that I like Stingray’s advice to lighten up your own mood, have a good time, and pray, pray, pray.
Oh, and if you need to copy and print pout Alte’s advice and stick it in your pocket, do so. It is important to keep your spirit rightly aligned with God first and foremost.
I also wonder how your girls will interpret yor relationship, and how your reaction to your husband’s indifference can be the difference between them having respect for their father or a fearful contempt for him.
My post about delight and resignation was inspired by her too… don’t know if she read it or not. https://hearthtobelovely.wordpress.com/2014/12/31/delight-is-not-found-in-resignation/ if not.
Hearthie, E., et al:
Book idea, I have also given it thought. Would love to write, also. Maybe resurrect the idea? It would be fun.
The posts have inspired me to do a couple myself — http://momintheshoe.blogspot.com/2015/01/memoriespressed-between-pages-of-my-mind.html
and
http://momintheshoe.blogspot.com/2015/01/memoriespressed-between-pages-of-my.html
Not terribly significant to probably anybody other than me, but you know. :-) It made me remember stuff. :-)
Oh ok, I was unclear. Thanks for clarifying!
Pingback: What’s Cooking and other (funny) home front snippets | Loving in the Ruins
Growth in ‘knowing’ one another is one of the pains and delights of marriage. We all come to the marriage with suitcases full of luggage — some of which we even forgot was there — emotional, physical, spiritual – you name it. And marriage is largely about unpacking all of that luggage in the course of life together. And it is always tempting to pull out a particularly hideous piece and then shove it back in when our spouse notices it, or to pull it out delightedly hoping our spouse will also love it only to meet with a ‘meh’ response that makes us want to pretend that we also don’t like it and wonder how it ever got our luggage in the first place.
But that luggage needs to be unpacked. It needs to be unpacked together and some of it (the hideous, broken, God-dishonouring stuff) needs to be gotten rid of. Somethings need to be mended. And somethings your spouse will never love, because they aren’t you and you aren’t them but its okay because they love you even if they think some of your stuff is kind of funky and they would never wear it.
I’m so much happier when my wife opens up those parts of herself that she normally wouldn’t share — even the parts that frankly I don’t like much. Because I like her. But truthfully there is a lot of fear in marriage… in many marriages, in my own marriage. And the fear mostly has to do with me & God and my own issues – not really my wife.